With the approaching holidays most homemakers have mixed emotions. On one hand there is the desire and anticipation that everything will be peaceful and beautiful but on the other hand, the reality of the season can bring human and sometimes contradictory moments. We have all felt this tug unless we have had a magic wand that makes everything perfect.

We know that this is the season for giving but sometimes, if we are not careful, we can begin to think that we are the only ones concerned about giving. We have our lists of the many things to be done and just looking at them, on occasion, can bring panic and a “poor me” attitude. The gifts to be bought, the house to be decorated, the cookies and treats to be baked, the cards to be addressed and mailed as well as the ongoing everyday responsibilities can be overwhelming.

In my conversations with homemakers over the years there has been a recurring theme of concern about all those responsibilities falling to them.  We all know in our hearts that this shouldn’t be the case because, after all, we are social beings who are not meant to carry the load alone; but somehow regarding the upkeep of the home we haven’t quite gotten the message.

I was thinking about this as I found myself in the midst of those “to do” lists, realizing that we have a perfect opportunity to give even more by allowing the others to give too. Little things are what make a difference and yet we have a tendency to hold on to those little things because they give us a bit more sense of control. When we allow ourselves to peel off the covering of all the things we do, we soon realize that we hold on to them because we think we can do them better in less time and we like the end results we achieve.

Just think for a moment about all the little things we could learn to share during this “giving season”. How many times have you replied “that’s alright I can handle it”? How many times have you re-arranged the dishwasher because it wasn’t loaded to your satisfaction or raced to throw the garbage out when your teenage son or spouse was just feet away? Pulling out the decorations, planning the menus and even addressing the cards not to mention baking the cookies can be a family affair. So often the others are only waiting to be asked. We may be so used to going it alone that we forget to allow the others to be part of the everyday giving. It is true that the packages may not be wrapped to your ideal or the Christmas table set as perfectly as you would like. The napkins and forks may be on the right side instead of the left with the plates too close together but that little sweetheart of yours will be humming a holiday tune as she does her best.

During this season we naturally think about the material gifts we want to give to those we love but it is also a time to think about the gifts that are meant to last. That idea of giving others the opportunity to be generous can overflow to a new year’s resolution. It is true that they may not be as anxious to help once the glow of the season is over. On the other hand by allowing them to experience a taste of the happy feeling of giving, you may create the catalyst needed to encourage both you and them to share the care of the home.

For some of us it is hard to let go when we want things to be perfect but in reality perfection can never truly be achieved; what can be obtained is a sense of what is important. In sharing the load with the family we realize what a blessing each one is and we also realize we are preparing them for their own homes and families some day. As we look back on our lives, we smile when we think of those intangible gifts we have carried with us through the years and realize many of those gifts were gleaned from the little things we learned growing up. Sharing the care during these days may be an initial sacrifice for those of us who like to go it alone but after all, what is a gift meant to be but a bit of a sacrifice? I don’t know if there is a saying that proclaims ‘with every sacrifice comes a hidden reward’ but if there isn’t such a saying, there should be. In this instance it could be a hidden gift to ourselves that will keep giving when we step back to welcome it.

Happy Holidays!

I went to the opening night of “Secretariat” in early October not really knowing why I wanted to go but something aside from the promotional ads told me it was going to be a great family film; one that would leave me with a good feeling. 

I am not into horse racing; as a matter of fact I know nothing of horses and as far as races are concerned, there is a winner and a loser, that’s it!

This was a film about something much deeper, in my opinion, than a horse winning the Triple Crown in what has been regarded as the greatest horserace of all time. As thrilling as that was to see on film and as much as I heard myself cheer as “Old Red” crossed the finish line by 31 lengths the real joy was in the character of Penny Chenery Tweedy played by Diane Lane.

For those of you who have been reading my column this past year, you know I enjoy my home and the value of its care in fostering and enhancing human dignity and mutual love among its members. It is, I believe, the most natural environment to develop virtue and character and that is exactly what this film shouted out to me.

Let me explain:

The opening scene in “Secretariat” laid the groundwork for revealing the special character of Penny Chenery. Another scene could have been chosen but it never would have been as effective as the one at the breakfast table in which Penny had prepared a morning send off while enjoying the family chatter as she simultaneously posted “to do” notes on the refrigerator door. In that short yet most effective scene we saw Penny’s character unfold. We saw a woman who took pride in her home, in her children and in being a real partner to her husband. We saw the virtues of industriousness, order, perseverance, cheerfulness, understanding, patience and love flow from her personality.

Later in the film she relates how after college she had put aside the thought of a career to devote to her husband and children. Yet I believe it was precisely the career of wife, mother and homemaker that had nurtured her ability to bet on a colt that wasn’t born yet in order to save the dream of her father and his faltering Virginia stables. As business savvy as Chenery turned out to be, it really was the courage she had mustered through the practice of so many virtues she naturally lived in caring for her home and in transmitting values to her family that made it possible for her to trust in the veteran and at that time retired and discouraged trainer Lucien Laurin, played by John Malkovich. Her ability to be demanding and yet understanding of the small band of people under her charge was the proof of her character in action.

At first glance one might say she turned herself and her family upside down as she traveled back and forth from her home in Colorado to Virginia. Her lawyer husband, Tweedy, said they couldn’t manage without her and yet in time he and the children realized that she indeed had equipped them to manage and take on the needed responsibilities. Her close communication while away but most of all her knowledge of the importance of involving the children in the care of the home while they were young prepared them to take the reins in her absence. She knew they could do it and she trusted they would. None of that could have happened without those early years of nurturing and good example lived out in all the ordinary things of the home. Rather than the family falling apart, in time it grew closer with a deeper understanding of the role of a woman, a wife and a mother.

This film was an inspiration to me as I hope it will be to many other women who might question whether the role of raising a family and caring for a home is something that has long term benefits. The natural gifts of women along with the ongoing and invaluable education that this role imparts is one that shouldn’t be missed. I believe that it is one that our nation is eager to raise up to the standard that it deserves; one that is mighty!

Thank you Penny Chenery Tweedy !

In recent years, or actually in the past thirty years, which is not all that recent, “housework” has taken on an unpleasant connotation—-kind of a “dirty” one!!  There are a number of reasons for this rather negative outlook three of which are time, tools and technique.  This post takes a closer look at the first of these three “T’s”:  Time. 

There never seems to be enough time, particularly with over 70% of women working part or full time outside of the home. I single out women because, let’s face it, we have been the engineers of managing the home since time began. We always have been pretty good at it too. I personally am proud of that fact. But the reality is that most of us aren’t home that much. This is one reality I doubt will go away and maybe depending on your view you may not want it to either, so what to do?   

If you are part of that 70%, start to transfer the time management skills you use so well in accomplishing all the outside work commitments to your home. There is an old saying that “time is a treasure” so be sure to treasure every minute by making it count and begin by jotting down all you need or want to do at home. Then time yourself as to how long it takes to do ordinary tasks like making a bed, emptying the dishwasher and cleaning the bathroom sink. On a daily basis each should not take more than 5 minutes. Everything really begins in the mind and once you have it fixed in your mind that these daily tasks don’t need to take that long it’s a motivator to push away that feeling of drudgery. Granted you might need to multiply the bedmaking by two or three, depending on the size of your family, but then if there are other family members at home, start sharing the care!

But what about the more time-consuming chores done on a weekly basis like caring for floors, laundry, and dusting? These are the jobs that can get you down and discouraged particularly when you only use weekends to accomplish them. Here we need to learn to pace ourselves by doing a little bit throughout the week otherwise our days off aren’t days off at all!  They simply add to that negative connotation that housework is “dirty”, encroaching on everything else we’d rather be doing on the weekend. 

Consider spreading out your housework so that it is less timeconsoming on any given day.  For example I don’t vacuum or dust on the same day. I break it up. The clothes can be rotating in the machine while you are busy making dinner. It is the folding and putting away that takes the time so break up doing whites and colors on different days. Set a schedule for all this stuff and see how efficient you suddenly become.

“Time” is the first of the three “T’s” that can impact our perceptions of houswork.  In future posts we’ll look at some tips for the other “T’s”:  Tools and Techniques for streamlining home management.  What are your favorite time-saving household tips?  Please share them by posting a comment here.

What are your expectations of your spouse or children at home? You might be a little puzzled by this question, so let me explain. We all have preconceived notions of how we want our family to contribute to caring for our homes. Most of us want a little help, but we have to honestly ask ourselves:

• Am I only satisfied when it is done exactly the way I want?
• Do I tend to send mixed messages by my negative reactions to their help?

Here is a familiar example: Loading the dishwasher.
You may have the perfect way to load and yet your spouse or child doesn’t follow your lead. So… you rearrange and reload! This sends a direct message to your family to find something else to do when it is time to load the dishwasher. It is true that things should be done well, but remember — doing things well doesn’t necessarily mean doing them perfectly all the time. What counts is that the dishes get clean. It is always more important to let others contribute than to have everything done just perfectly. It is good for them and it is good for you!

When children have responsibilities at home they will be better prepared for their future lives. Does allowing things like the “less than perfect loading” mean that we ignore poor household work? Not at all! We are all concerned when our child has a problem with a subject in school. We do everything we can to help her improve. We take things in stages so she begins to understand.

We can follow the same principle when teaching them household responsibilities. We can’t assume that our children are going to learn to make a bed, or dust or hang up clothes properly unless we are willing to teach and coach them until they catch on. Often we make the mistake of thinking that children learn by osmosis and we expect much more of them “from the get go.” It is true that some children will learn by observation but most do not. It takes time and patience that will pay off in the long run.

Remember it is great to read with children, to play with them, but it is also great to work with them. Young children love to do most things with their parents, so take advantage of that while you can and help them to learn skills that will last a lifetime! They may eventually exceed your own expectations!